Sunday, December 28, 2008

I Feel Like I'm a Teenager....

So the last time I was with Bunny Ears was fantastically diverse. Consequently, there was a period of thrusting that didn't involve wearing a condom.
Stupid and I quickly remedied the situation- cause let's face it, really I'd met him twice and we barely knew more than each other's names and what we do for a living.

Anyways, so I was late this week. A situation which has now resolved itself, as it tends to do, but wow did it ever tell me a lot about myself.

My initial reaction was "Oh Fuck."

You see, I'm not so interested in children. They're lovely and all, but I kind of like my sleep and my money for me. And my time. And my freedom.

But I always told myself that if I found myself pregnant, I would be the responsible adult and accept the consequences of my actions. In my mind, abortion is for teenagers and rape victims. Now I am by NO means one of those sign waving freaks that you see outside of clinics. And I have held many a friends' hand while they've "taken care of" unwanted pregnancies.

However I thought myself different than those friends. I knew of too many people who had difficulties getting pregnant to ever want to waste a life that way. The ability to give birth is a gift.

But my first thought when I realized that I was late last week? (After the "Oh fuck") was "I gotta get rid of this thing."

I then calmed down and realized that it isn't the kind of decision that you make that quickly. It's not a knee-jerk kind of situation. But I was genuinely surprised at the violence of my reaction to it. I haven't had a pregnancy scare since I was 21 and this was way worse. At least back then it was with a long-term boyfriend.

This got me thinking about all sorts of things that I never would have considered back then. Of course I always would have cared about my Father's reaction- but my work? How people would talk about me behind my back? About the fact that I have a cousin who is sterile, and would I have the strength to go through with it and offer it to her? How would that look to the other members of the family? What would that do to the child?

So I sat and thought a lot this week. And even now that it's become a non-issue, I'm still thinking about it. It's become almost all-consuming. A person really learns about them self in the midst of a crisis, and I would have considered this to be a mini-crisis at least.

I suppose in general, the moral would be to make sure that I'm more responsible in the future at the very least. I mean one could get really moralistic and say that perhaps one shouldn't be having sex at all if you're not willing to deal with the consequences of it. But c'mon, as if that's going to happen.

I've had an interesting time this week though, let me tell you...


Anonymous said...

I understand your thoughts, fears and mixed feelings, but god yes condom-less sex is so much better!

Nolens Volens said...

I'm all ears.

Mike said...

Yeah the late scare is never fun and really test your morales.

Anonymous said...

Wow... that is intense! I've been on the other end of one of those scares too and it definitely does raise some huge questions. Thanks for such a real world blog post and glad the preferred choice happened!

Anonymous said...

the ability to create human life is an amazing gift. but my oh my can it create a panic. i'm so glad things worked out how you hoped. i had one of those scares years ago and i paced the floors until it came to a resolution!!

Aurore said...

I have been wondering where you've been but I'd assumed it was just the holidays getting in the way.

I am sorry you had a scare and I'm glad that you had the resolution you wanted. I've been there...and it is terrifying. I admire you for sharing this with us - amidst all the anticipation, hot sex and orgasms this post reminds us of the more "real" aspects of casual sex.