Ambivalence: uncertainty or fluctuation, esp. when caused by inability to make a choice or by a simultaneous desire to say or do two opposite or conflicting things.
I feel like I have two different creatures inside of me, hence the need for two different blogs.
The other blog? So sweet and sometimes sad and for the most part untouched?
And this one? Part of this compartmentalized section of my mind. Devoted completely to sensuality and lust.
It's like I can turn a switch off and on in my head. If a man were to proposition me, and I were in the other mindset, I would be shy and uncertain and possibly offended. I don't know what to do with men in any way shape or form. I don't know what they want or what their actions mean.
And if I'm in the Duchess mindset? Well, to be honest, I don't feel like I have any more of a clue about men than the other me does, but at least that man stands a chance of getting laid.
Now the other me doesn't have any different sexual desires. I'm not suffering for some sort of dissociative break-down here. But the way I express it? The way I demand it? Well, there's where the difference lay.
The other me? Is disappointed that men only seem to want one thing from her. Is confused as to why sex seems so easy to come by, but a relationship is so difficult. She's confused as to why she's getting dozens of messages on the "intimate" section of the site, and none in the "dating" section. The Duchess? Doesn't care. The Duchess loves the fact that she could be having sex with a different man every night. She loves the fact that men commend her on her forthrightness and "shaggability." (the site's word which makes me laugh each time I see it).
I'm aware that I'm new to this whole experience, and that a degree of uncertainty and defining myself is to be expected, but it's been a bizarre ride. Simply the fact that this blog gets more hits in a little over a month than my other blog, which is approaching it's two year birthday is amazing to me.
Sexuality. It's something that on a very primal level we can all relate to. We've either all experienced it in various forms, or we sure as hell want to. I feel that I've been a rollercoaster of re-definition in the past month and a half. Confusing, exciting, and scary all at once...