So many of you are posting your favourite HNT's, and I haven't done any. I must confess, I've tried- but I seem incapable of figuring out my camera's timer- and my arms just don't seem long enough to get what I want in the photos.
I will however post some of my attempts... Hopefully by NYE 2009 I will have sorted it all out, and won't know how to choose my faves (like most of you!) Le sigh. I am not a photographer.
Anyhow, have a fabulous New Year my darlings! I'm so happy to have met you all in the past couple of months!
So these are some photos that I've been sent by random men on the internet. I have to say - they neither impress me, nor turn me on.
I'm not making any criticism about their bits and pieces, I just have to say that these photos are not going to be either deal makers or breakers.
I mean what do these photos really tell me? That they're not shy? That they have adequate photography skills?
Do they tell me whether or not these men will make me writhe and moan in the bedroom/couch/ car/kitchen table? Do they tell me whether or not I'll get wet just thinking about them? Do they tell me whether they'll slam me up against a wall, bite my nipples, pull my hair and lick my clit until I'm quivering?
Really, if they wanted to impress me- they would have included a few lines with it, telling me exactly what it is they would like to do to me with their cocks, hands and tongues...
Now that I'm over my potential pregnancy panic, I would really love to be fucked...like right now...
So the last time I was with Bunny Ears was fantastically diverse. Consequently, there was a period of thrusting that didn't involve wearing a condom. Stupid and I quickly remedied the situation- cause let's face it, really I'd met him twice and we barely knew more than each other's names and what we do for a living.
Anyways, so I was late this week. A situation which has now resolved itself, as it tends to do, but wow did it ever tell me a lot about myself.
My initial reaction was "Oh Fuck."
You see, I'm not so interested in children. They're lovely and all, but I kind of like my sleep and my money for me. And my time. And my freedom.
But I always told myself that if I found myself pregnant, I would be the responsible adult and accept the consequences of my actions. In my mind, abortion is for teenagers and rape victims. Now I am by NO means one of those sign waving freaks that you see outside of clinics. And I have held many a friends' hand while they've "taken care of" unwanted pregnancies.
However I thought myself different than those friends. I knew of too many people who had difficulties getting pregnant to ever want to waste a life that way. The ability to give birth is a gift.
But my first thought when I realized that I was late last week? (After the "Oh fuck") was "I gotta get rid of this thing."
I then calmed down and realized that it isn't the kind of decision that you make that quickly. It's not a knee-jerk kind of situation. But I was genuinely surprised at the violence of my reaction to it. I haven't had a pregnancy scare since I was 21 and this was way worse. At least back then it was with a long-term boyfriend.
This got me thinking about all sorts of things that I never would have considered back then. Of course I always would have cared about my Father's reaction- but my work? How people would talk about me behind my back? About the fact that I have a cousin who is sterile, and would I have the strength to go through with it and offer it to her? How would that look to the other members of the family? What would that do to the child?
So I sat and thought a lot this week. And even now that it's become a non-issue, I'm still thinking about it. It's become almost all-consuming. A person really learns about them self in the midst of a crisis, and I would have considered this to be a mini-crisis at least.
I suppose in general, the moral would be to make sure that I'm more responsible in the future at the very least. I mean one could get really moralistic and say that perhaps one shouldn't be having sex at all if you're not willing to deal with the consequences of it. But c'mon, as if that's going to happen.
I've had an interesting time this week though, let me tell you...
So what is it about sex? What is it that makes us so preoccupied with it? Even the most virtuous of us finds it at least to be a distraction.
Why is it that I could go on these sites and find a plethora of men willing to fall at their feet to pleasure me in ways that I've never heard of, yet they balk at the very suggestion of feelings or a commitment?
Why do we risk relationships and getting caught and ruin friendships over it?
Why does it overpower us?
Toys and movies and magazines and blogs and websites devoted to the subject.
We paint our lips red. We mess up our hair. We show erect nipples. All to make our objects subconsciously link us with the sex act.
If we haven't had it in a while, it's constantly in our thoughts. It's in our thoughts even more if we have had it recently.
Why do we risk pain and humiliation and rejection simply for this one thing? Do we put that much effort into anything else?
Ambivalence: uncertainty or fluctuation, esp. when caused by inability to make a choice or by a simultaneous desire to say or do two opposite or conflicting things.
I feel like I have two different creatures inside of me, hence the need for two different blogs. The other blog? So sweet and sometimes sad and for the most part untouched? And this one? Part of this compartmentalized section of my mind. Devoted completely to sensuality and lust.
It's like I can turn a switch off and on in my head. If a man were to proposition me, and I were in the other mindset, I would be shy and uncertain and possibly offended. I don't know what to do with men in any way shape or form. I don't know what they want or what their actions mean.
And if I'm in the Duchess mindset? Well, to be honest, I don't feel like I have any more of a clue about men than the other me does, but at least that man stands a chance of getting laid.
Now the other me doesn't have any different sexual desires. I'm not suffering for some sort of dissociative break-down here. But the way I express it? The way I demand it? Well, there's where the difference lay.
The other me? Is disappointed that men only seem to want one thing from her. Is confused as to why sex seems so easy to come by, but a relationship is so difficult. She's confused as to why she's getting dozens of messages on the "intimate" section of the site, and none in the "dating" section. The Duchess? Doesn't care. The Duchess loves the fact that she could be having sex with a different man every night. She loves the fact that men commend her on her forthrightness and "shaggability." (the site's word which makes me laugh each time I see it).
I'm aware that I'm new to this whole experience, and that a degree of uncertainty and defining myself is to be expected, but it's been a bizarre ride. Simply the fact that this blog gets more hits in a little over a month than my other blog, which is approaching it's two year birthday is amazing to me.
Sexuality. It's something that on a very primal level we can all relate to. We've either all experienced it in various forms, or we sure as hell want to. I feel that I've been a rollercoaster of re-definition in the past month and a half. Confusing, exciting, and scary all at once...
I got the sweetest message from one of my potential suitors tonight. He said it was cool that I wasn't interested in him (to be honest, I can barely keep up with them all - I don't know if I was ever interested or not) but that I should write erotica. Nice to know that some of them on there have some class. Makes me think that I should give that guy a chance if he's going to be such a sweetheart about it.
I'm still trying to sort out the Administrative details of all this. Take Bunny Ears for example. I saw him Friday night. Does it equate to needy if I get all texty and tell him I would love to see him again? Is there some sort of 3 day rule with this kind of thing? Cause yeah, it's been 5 days...I would really love to see him...
For the girls: do you find it to be just a wee bit of a pain in the ass how much grooming you have to do in preparation? Men: what do you do to prep for us?
I know I've mentioned this before, but I find it hilarious how sexualized everything has become now. Glimpses of photos in the paper immediately look dirty until I examine them more closely and see how innocuous they really are. I get turned on and wet bu just a stray thought now. Sexuality really is a muscle..and the more you work it...
I was asked in my last post where Bunny Ears got his nickname. It came as a result of one of the photos he sent me.
73 year old man sent me another message. Ack! No! I don't want to be rude, but just...no!
One of my email suitors from this blog sent me a photo. He's quite adorable- unfortunately, he lives in another country. Yes it's the country next door and all- but still...M- offer to fly me down and I'll consider it!
So, as mentioned Bunny Ears came over last night. He told me to be wearing something "trashy." I went for more cliché than anything. The stockings and shoes in my profile pic, a lacy camisole and panties, a loosely ties short robe over it and a long string of pearls. Too much? Maybe, but it was fun playing dress-up...
I do enjoy a man who gets right to the point too. I barely got a "hello" out before I had hands and tongue all over me. The couch portion of the evening lasted about 2 minutes before I led him to the bedroom. I did however, force him to admire the ensemble I had put together for myself. He didn't seem to care. The boy needs to learn to appreciate aesthetics more.
There was a very brief making out period before he decided that his tongue could be put to much better use elsewhere. He seems to be one of the men who actually mean it when he says he loves oral sex. Both giving and receiving.
He does like variety. A very thorough oral sex session for me, a little 69 action, followed by me riding him, then him on top of me, then me going down on him, then him going down on me, then a bit more of me on top, a bit more of me down on him...I think you get the idea....
All in all, I would have to say that all of the basics were covered. By the time it was all over, I was shocked that he could last an hour that way...
I even expressed a bit of concern that I just wasn't doing my job properly, but he assured me otherwise. He simply seems to have full control of himself and can make it last and last...an excellent quality in a man.
I am completely sore all over today and would kill for a massage. But based on the reasons why? Well, I'm certainly not complaining...
So it's been a few days- I apologise for inadvertently keeping you all in suspense. In response to Misstress M- unfortunately life got in the way and I didn't end up managing to see Bunny Ears this past weekend. Damn reality getting in the way of fantasy.
The photo above? That's the little box o' fun that I keep beside my bed. A bit of erotica. A couple vibrators. Condoms. Nothing too exotic (yet).
So as a result of this little blog that is today celebrating it's one month birthday- I have received a couple of emails this week. One from S in Vancouver, and one from M in Los Angeles. Welcome to the party gentlemen. I would love to meet each of you, it's too bad that you're not a bit closer to home. Perhaps we could meet somewhere in the middle?
So I sent Bunny rears a few suggestive texts this week. Just making sure he doesn't start neglecting me. It resulted in the offer of a nooner, then asking what time I got off work, then wanting to come over late that evening. Then when I texted back that night, telling him all the things I was doing to make up for the fact that he wasn't there, he offered to come right over. Too bad I had such a crazy work week- I almost let him come that night. In retrospect I kind of wish I had...Our bloody schedules are just not meshing at all...
Ok my sexy darlings, off to carry on with the whirlwind that is my life right now. I would kill for a few days off just to breathe....