Sunday, September 12, 2010

Insignificant

More than one ex-boyfriend has called me an ice princess. I can't stand completely immersing myself in someone else's life, nor can I handle someone constantly calling me and wanting to see me every single day.

I considered myself an intelligent independent woman. The ad I posted online indicated that I wanted a life that was separate, but compatible. However, I made it clear: I didn't want to be neglected, and this wasn't an invitation for us to take each other for granted. I just didn't want to be smothered yo.

He was perfect on screen. Witty. Intelligent. Quirky. Sexually open.

He came over early on, took control, did things to my body I had never imagined, and had me constantly distracted with the thought of being with him. Riding him. Having him take me. Being his slave. Anything he wanted. I told him I was his toy to do with as he chose.

I brought him to my office - greeted him outside in a little dress and no panties as instructed. He fucked me a few different ways, and made us late to pick up my bff's husband while he took me one more time.

Even now? I want him. I want him at my door, not talking. Just naked. I want him to jerk my head back, slip his fingers in my panties and rub my clit. To want to rape him - to rip off his clothes, damage them as he's done to mine. To ride him until his eyes roll back and he's incoherent.

But the neglect? It was there. Oh it was there. To end up in this impossible situation where I can't ask him for time, or communication or sex. To be in some sort of undefined thing where I get absolutely nothing, but to feel like a burdensome pet that he offers a few scraps to when it's somewhat convenient for him.

Humiliating. The core of that word? Humility. I have learned to be humble. To know what it is to be absolutely nothing to someone. To have so little of their regard that they can't even be bothered to fuck me, when they know I'm perfectly willing.

And even worse? To know that I'm still willing. To be still wet and throbbing for him. To have the memory of what he's done to me. To imagine the potential of what we could have done. What we said we would do.

Nothing in life comes with a guarantee. But I feel cheated. Like I had this sensual gift dangled in front of me. Taunting me. Teasing me with it's tantalizing closeness. And then to have it taken away with no explanation, and such coldness.

To feel cheap and used voluntarily? Can be delicious. But this? To feel so utterly insignificant?

Now, I just feel thoroughly ashamed for allowing myself to feel this way.

13 comments:

Aurore said...

I could throw all the clichés at you but I won't.

This sucks. I know first hand how bad it sucks. *hugs*

Sexy Sixty said...

Perhaps I don't understand the meaning of the term "ice queen." But the following paragraph doesn't fit my definition in any way shape of form:

"He came over early on, took control, did things to my body I had never imagined, and had me constantly distracted with the thought of being with him. Riding him. Having him take me. Being his slave. Anything he wanted. I told him I was his toy to do with as he chose."

I date many women I meet online and have yet to meet one who has this level of sexual interest "early on." Dare I wonder if acceptance of his domination so early on may have actually diminished his interest? The women I date tell me they want the connections first and sex after.

Personally, I'd love to try a little of your ice queen style...sound pretty hot to me.

The Duchess said...

Aurore - yeah, not really worth bailing on our chat the other night...

Sixty - diminished his interest? How boringly cliche.

The Panserbjørne said...

Obviously I don't know you as well as any ex-lover might, but I confess the phrase "ice princess" when applied to what I know of you has as little meaning as, say, "zombie" or "duck". The terms just don't have any applicable meaning. No ice princess approaches a relationship with the kind of heat and passion that you do, the willingness to experiment, the desire to play and abandon yourself in all the ways that matter.

It's a tough balancing act to follow, when you're looking for interest, passion, warmth, but at the same time not wanting to be smothered. I sympathize because I'm the same way: I like my own space and my own breathing room, but at the same time, nobody wants to be neglected or ignored.

The bottom line, of course, is that this guy wasn't worthy of you. He may have been good enough for the short term, but no one should treat anyone else with that much disdain. You deserve better, and I know you'll find it soon enough.

-- PB

Anonymous said...

I just found your blog, and this post hit me like a huge rock! I'm in the exact situation right now and couldn't see it, but you just described how I feel exactly, so I completely understand where you're coming from! Hugs to you!!

Sophie

Topaz said...

The frustration of it all is that you made it clear what you wanted, what you didn't want, and somehow it all slipped.

I know I'm late to this post, but I'm hoping you are fairing better now.

And if he has contacted you, I hope you either drop him or make him understand what his failings are. You deserve that much. Especially if he was lucky enough to enjoy you.

Anonymous said...
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EllaGirl said...

Ahhhh, "Ice Princess" is an all to familiar phrase.... and from experience found it to mean that the way I love isn't enough unless it is packaged up in the exact the way he wants it. Men who say this, don't get me and in general have holes in their hearts to big for any woman to fill. This is needy disguised as dominance - a sexual temper tantrum and of course you're hurt - this was his intention. Hang in there *hug* xo - E.

hot girl said...

very nice

Anonymous said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Anonymous said...

It seems odd to me how many people can hear only one side of a story, told well I have to say, and take a side... Did he ever call you an "ice princess," or is your reference to others calling you that just that - a reference to others? Are you as free with your words in person as you are on a blog?

Certainly, you cannot deserve to be mistreated, but I do have to say that "I told him I was his toy to do with as he chose" could easily include not calling you back the next morning. Did you also tell him you were a person to treat with respect? It isn't a mixed message, since we can't be "all sex, all the time."

G.

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